That F Word

It's been a minute. Damn. Seriously, it's been a minute. Okay, yeah, it's been a minute--or two, almost three months. How are things? This is the question I always get, and I never know how to answer it exactly. A lot of things have been happening, so I'll attempt to lay it all out. 

During January, I went to London and Paris. It was my first time in Europe, and it was also the first time in my life where I traveled alone. I was extremely scared at first because I didn't know what to expect. So what brought me to London? I was gonna do my solo show there on January 11. My friend posted on her Facebook in November that her friend works for a theatre and was looking for performers. I jumped at the opportunity and was so excited to be doing it outside of the United States. Man, I was so excited. The only thing was: I had to pay my way there and figure out where to stay. I looked at my bank account and realized I will be spending almost all of my savings towards this trip--will it be worth it? Then I thought, if I skipped out on this opportunity, will I regret it on my death bed (yeah, seriously, I've been thinking that way. As kids these days say: yolo, right?)? And so I leaped! I was so game. I was going to share a NYC story with Londoners. My dream is coming true. Towards Christmas, I found out only a small handful of tickets were sold. The theatre has 120-seats, and only a small handful were sold. I was devastated. I was going through so much emotionally, and so, I decided to cancel the show days before I left for the trip. Now that I look back, I wish I had done the show. But at that moment, I knew I wanted a peace of mind before leaving NYC for the first time by myself. And so I found peace. I spent every moment of the trip absorbing the environment around me, in London, in Paris. I reflected upon life and realized I wanted to live everyday as if it was my last--I wanted to live everyday as if I'm discovering beauty everywhere I go. It was exactly the trip I needed to clear my mind and find myself. Even though I was alone on the trip, I didn't feel lonely. I felt at ease, and I felt comfortable being alone. I felt comfortable in my own skin. You'll quickly realize how much you can learn about yourself just going on a trip by yourself. Seriously, if you're reading this and have "thought" about going on a trip by yourself -- DO IT. It's probably the best gift you can give yourself.

I came back to NYC on Thursday, January 12 and went straight from the airport to The Barrow Group Theatre. I was taking Scene Study III with Seth Barrish again (took the fall session for the same class). I felt exhausted from the trip, but for some reason, I had so much energy--a renewed sense of energy, and love--towards life. And so I went to class for the next 10 weeks. I was extremely dedicated to all my classes, from finding scenes and parts where I can stretch different parts of my acting muscles, to finding scene partners who are down to do whatever. It was so much fun and I didn't want it to end. Well, it's not going to end because I'm doing the Actors Scene Study - Working with Directors class with Eric Paeper. This is the first time at TBG where I'm taking a class with a new teacher aside from Lee or Seth, so I'm really excited. Eric subbed for Seth once during the fall and he legit kicked everyone's ass in the class. I want to keep taking classes where I feel my ass is getting kicked every time I walk out.

And that brings me to this: I'm taking classes at UCB again. WOOO! Yes, I love it. I took Improv 101 and 201 in 2013, but discontinued because I didn't see the longevity in being an improviser. However, I now see it as an opportunity to keep stretching those comedic muscles. I feel like I always get my ass kicked in 201, and that's exactly what I need to light that fire under my ass. If you want to see me get my ass kicked on stage, come to the 201 show on Saturday, April 29 - 4PM - at UCB East -- 153 East 3rd Street, New York, NY 10009.

Speaking of show -- the LA show is one month away. CRAZY I tell ya, crazy. I've been doing outreach to see who wants to be a Community Partner for the show. During the earlier outreach stages, I didn't hear back and felt very very discouraged. But after following up and being persistent, Project by Project and CAPE are now supporting the show and spreading the word. It really means the world to me to see community organizations back this show. It gives me hope that Asian American stories such as The World's Greatest can be told. It's a matter of finding an audience and finding a community that will have your back. I have never felt more hopeful. There's still time, and there's still a lot of seats, and so I would keep hustling to get people to the theatre. I know it'd be difficult, but I will keep hustling and ask over and over again for people to come. It's happening and it's gonna be great. I have high hopes. I can't wait to kick asssss on stage on Sunday, April 23 - 2PM at JANM's Tateuchi Democracy Forum. 

I don't know why, but for the last week or so, I thought a lot about what kind of actor I want to be: do I belong in drama, or do I belong in comedy? Honestly, I want to do drama; I want to do comedy; I want to do everything! TBG and UCB, and writing and doing my own thing, is a part of my journey in training to do everything. The important part is just to not fuck around too much and move forward--even if shit gets hard along the way. Yes. Keep moving forward. That's the f word.

Otherwise, you're fucked.

Forward!

Pati

Yesterday was an awesome day. Around noon, I found out I was casted in a short play called ATM directed by Heesu Chae. Around 5:30pm, I was sitting at White Rabbit Tattoo getting my second and most likely last tattoo (ha, that's what I said about the first one). But yesterday was awesome on so many levels. It was the first time in a long time where I felt I was moving towards something in this artistic career. First of all, I was in utter shock when I found out I got casted. I think it's the first time where I auditioned and was selected amongst others. I auditioned for the role on Friday evening and was so out of it during the audition, so to even be selected, wow. I remember thinking to myself in the audition room that there are people who are younger or more stylish than me who can play the free-spirited girl. Or I was thinking if I don't get this part, it'd be great audition practice for the next role. I'm usually terribly nervous during auditions, so I just told myself to have fun and don't think too much about it. And it worked! I think as actors, sometimes we get into our heads way too much and that self-deprecating talk ain't gonna help. Gonna remember to do that for every audition from now on and just have fun.

On another note, I can't believe I got another tattoo. It says pati and has a lightning bolt on it. Pati is the latin root for the words passion and patience, and it means to suffer or endure. I first heard about this word through my brother. He was watching American Idol, and a singer who was auditioning told the judges that the journey he's in in making music represents pati, which means to suffer greatly to do the things you love. After my bro finished watching that episode, he immediately showed me. He thought I would like the word/idea, and I did. I kept thinking about getting it as a tattoo, but another idea I had was just to get a thunderbolt to represent my surname/Pikachu. I thought, hey, why not get both, and I did. I still remember the pain I felt the first time I got a tattoo about 1.5 years ago, so it wasn't that bad. Now, it's just healing. -- For the past few weeks or even months, I have been working to get out of this rut I've been on since the beginning of winter. I didn't want to admit it, but I had a lot of pain--so much on my mind. Like where am I going with this acting career, and who can really understand and know what I'm going through. I guess I felt very alone in this process. I was stressing and thinking a lot. At some point, I thought of just giving up. Everybody around me was getting into grad/law school and I wanted to follow suit. But then I sat down and had to question whether what they have is really what I want. When the answer is repeatedly no, I knew I had to hone in and focus.

Although I was in pain, I knew only time can solve/heal everything. I still have a lot to grow--getting better, growing up, opening up more, sharing more of what I truly am thinking to others instead of just smiling and saying everything is good. I don't want to burden others, and I want to be a ball of happiness. So instead of hanging out with friends, I spent a lot of time alone and with my brother, who is truly my best friend. I don't know where I will be without his love and support.

I guess at the end of the day, it's so important to just take time and think through what you really want. Sometimes the answer might not be obvious, but just listen to that inner voice--never let anything else distract you. And also, work hard, work smart, and what we really want will be right in front of us. Not because it decided to show up, but because you worked so hard that what you built is now finally ready, finally here. Take charge and go. Nothing else is stopping us now.